The Jobberknoll
by warpaint13
Summary: What happens when an assignment in Care of Magical Creatures makes Ron's life go a bit haywire? RWHG
1. The Stupid Tiny Bird

**The Jobberknoll**

_Author's Notes:_ This story takes place during seventh year for the trio. It's mainly in Ron's point of view. It does use things from the fifth book, but I for one am sad to see Sirius go and am going to keep him alive, don't ask me how he lives he just does. He's one of my favorite characters. There will probably be a bit of sexual content in here - but nothing bad. As well as swearing… but most of it's going to be plain old fun. Not sure if this is R or PG-13, but I don't see R... The story starts in early October.

Several things are different from the books in this story, in addition to Sirius still being alive. Other differences include that McGonagall is not as old as she is in the books. Harry is prefect; and Voldemort is dead, as are Lucius Malfoy and the mainly all of the Death Eaters. I'll try and remember to stick a warning in an author's note if I change anything else along the way. (So, once again, please don't review that Harry isn't a prefect, McGonagall is way older than what I'm saying, or whatever.)

_Summary:_ What happens when an assignment in Care of Magical Creatures makes Ron's life go a bit haywire?

_Disclaimer:_ I don't own Harry Potter or anything else in here that someone else owns. Just the plot and any new characters and stuff are mine!

**Chapter 1  
The stupid tiny bird.**

"Well…" Hagrid said loudly to the class. It was early morning and everyone was shivering. It was so cold and they were outside of Hagrid's hut shivering in their shoes watching the clouds of smoke float away they made from breathing. "Terday's lesson is one I think yer all going ter love!"

Harry, Hermione, and I all glanced at each other with nervous expression. All hoping that the animal Hagrid would bring out wouldn't be very dangerous as it usual was.Hagrid turned around and pulled a tiny, blue, speckled bird out of a large cardboard box. Hagrid was smiling from ear to ear as he saw everyone was looking at it in a curious way and Hermione gasped which made everyone a bit nervous and I stepped back a bit.

"So who can tell me what this is?"

Hermione's hand shot up in the air almost whacking me in the head.

"Yes Hermione?"  
"That's a Jobberknoll!"  
"A Jobber… _what_?" I asked.

"A Jobberknoll is a bird usually found in Northern Europe and America. It is a tiny blue, speckled bird which eats small insects. It makes no sound at all until the time of its death. Which then it screeches extremely loud. And repeats random things that it has heard before. Not all things that it's heard before but some."

"Very good Hermione! 25 points fer Gryffindor!"

The Slytherin's sighed as all Gryffindors shot a bright smile or 'good job' look at Hermione. I and Harry just smiled at each other. Thankful for having such a smart friend. In fact if it wasn't for Hermione Harry and I would probably be dead. Especially since she basically saved our lives last year in the battle against the Dark Side.

"Now here's the assignment. You all er gonna have one Jobberknoll for each group yer in. Now here are the groups, when I call yer group one of yer come up and get yer Jobberknoll. Harry, Ron, and Hermione…"

At that point I paid no more attention at Hagrid. I was actually very interested in this bird. Hermione went up and got the bird.

I sighed smiling at Hermione when she walked back smiling at me and Harry holding the tiny bird in her hands gently. Oh, Hermione… I like her so much. There are a few things about Hermione I don't like. Such as how she's always wanting to do homework or go to the Library now that she doesn't have to worry about anything else such as making sure Harry and I don't get into to much trouble. But she's so beautiful. Her old bushy hair was tamed and pulled up, she wore makeup and it made her look sexy. Hermione had curves and a body that made model's jealous and how she was adventurous and an all around great person just made her even greater in my view.

"Ronald!" Hermione said laughing.  
"Huh? Oh sorry! Uh… what were we talking about again? Oh, yeah. I know I got to study for the Transfiguration quiz for today. Why are you laughing?"  
... Harry was on the ground rolling around laughing.  
"No…" Hermione said trying hard not to laugh. "The, um, Jobberknoll pooped on your shoulder..." She then burst out into giggles.

Harry and Hermione were howling with laughter as I looked at my shoulder and made a disgusted face as I saw large brown terds were sliding down the shoulder of my robes. "DISGUSTING!" I shouted at the bird which was being held by Hermione. My feelings for the bird suddenly changed. THAT STUPID TINY BIRD!

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_Notes: _I hope you all liked it! I'll start working on the next chapter soon. Please review! Thanks!

-- >Warpaint --


	2. Sod off Malfoy

**Some Notes…**

**Thank you to all who reviewed! I was quite surprised at how many did review. Well, here is the second chapter. I hope you like it and trust me it will be longer than the 1st chapter. Don't worry. Well, please review at the end of this chapter and please be nice I'm a sensitive person.:)****Anyways…Chapter 2!**

**Chapter 2  
****Sod of Malfoy!**

Ugh! I loath that bird. I thought this would be a fun and a nice easy project but no… It wasn't like that. It pooped on my shoulder! My robes were stained and were smelly so I tossed them in a trunk and got my other pair of robes and put that on and went down to the Great Hall for some lunch. I would clean my other pair of robes later. Harry, Hermione, and that bird were already down there when I walked in.

I sat next to Hermione and flashed a big smile at her. 'Would I ever be able to tell Hermione how I truly feel about her?'

Harry was staring at the bird which was standing on the table and pecking at a plain muffin that Hermione had given it.

I was so hungry and I just was about to start eating basically everything in front of me when Hermione said, "Let's name our Jobberknoll!"

"Like what?" Harry asked smartly, "Spew?"

"Harry!" Hermione said through clenched teeth, "It's not _Spew_! It's S.P.E.W."

"Whatever…" Harry said rolling his eye and sending me a slight smile. I smiled back.

"You two really ought to get more into S.P.E.W. though! Anyways I was thinking something like… Funk."

"Funk?" I said staring at her laughing.

"Yes. I think it is funky looking so why not call it Funk?"

Harry looked at me then Hermione, his eyebrows raised. "Well, I like it." He then smiled. Our newest friend of the group. Welcome, Funk."

I smiled. "Yeah. Welcome…now, can I eat."

I then picked up a bowl of Mashed Potatoes when I heard a familiar cold snarling voice.

"So the Golden Trio is now the Golden Quad? And your fourth member is one of Hagrid's stupid ass pets? I already killed mine. It was pissing me off."

Harry, Hermione, and I all turned around to see Malfoy standing there arms crossed with the dumb and familiar smirk. "Oh, go sod of Malfoy." I said rolling my eyes. Why was he such a stupid head? He should eat slugs. But, I'm not going to make him because somehow with my luck my wand (even though fixed) would backfire and I'd start puking up slugs again. Ugh, it was so gross.

Hermione's eyes were wide but she looked extremely angry. "Malfoy! You killed off a poor innocent creature for no reason! Have you told Hagrid it's already dead? You'd break his heart if he found out you poorly mistreated that wonderful bird. You, you, you…slimy, conceited, fat bastard!"

I fell out of my chair in laughter. Did Hermione just call Malfoy a bastard? Oh… so a priceless moment.

"I told you it was pissing me off that is the reason I killed it! And who cares about that stupid oaf Hagrid?"

Hermione stood up and was only a few inches away from Malfoy. Hopefully she would punch him. He deserved it that stupid fat ass. "It was pissing you off? HOW! It doesn't say _anything_ or make **any** noise and it can't fly! You're just _retarded_! And **_lots_** of people like Hagrid! Hagrid is a great and wonderful caring person who loves animals! There's _nothing_ wrong with that!"

Hermione was screaming at Malfoy her hair wild and face red. Harry had stood up too as well as I. Ginny and her friend Jessica walked up arms crossed. Many people at the Gryffindor table, Ravenclaw table, and the Hufflepuff table stood up. And McGonagall, Snape, and Dumbledore had heard what Malfoy had said and stood up as well. And Crabbe and Goyle were being stupid, as usual, and stood up at the Slytherin table looked angered and confused at Malfoy. Even a few people along with everyone at the Gryffindor table had pulled out their wands.

Malfoy had gotten paler; if that's possible… and just decided to be smart, for once, and walked away out of the Great Hall. But not after Hermione screamed, "See! All these people care about Hagrid! And no one cares a bit about you!"

Dumbledore had a slight twinkle in his eye and everyone just kind of laughed or congratulated Hermione and went back to what they were doing.

I gave Hermione a high five and she smiled… "That felt good."

Harry looked at Hermione slightly bewildered, "Hey…what day is it?"

"It's Friday, why?"

"Oh ok…I just wanted to make sure that it was. Phew."

Hermione and I looked at each other confused and both said, "What're you talking about?"

"The D.A. meeting tonight. I had all the plans ready and I already set some stuff up in the room and I just thought, well, I don't know…I was just making sure it _was_ Friday."

"Oooh…" Hermione and I said in unison.

Even though the war was over the D.A. still met and just went over spells and other neat stuff just in case anything were to ever happen to them. Everyone was still a bit shaken up after the war. And who wouldn't be after what a lot had gone through. But, no one had to go through what Harry had to go through. I wonder what happened when Harry fought Voldemort. Oh, well… I don't care, just as long as Harry is ok and Voldemort is dead.

"What time is the meeting tonight?" I wondered. A lot of times we changed it so other people who weren't in the D.A. wouldn't suspect something.

"Same as usual." Harry said. "9:30."

"What will we be doing today?" I asked.

Harry and Hermione smiled and Hermione's eyes lit up like two full moons, "It's a surprise! Oh goodness, it's so cool! I'm so excited to show everyone in the D.A.!"

Harry nodded. I knew I wasn't going to be able to get what the surprise was out of them so I just nodded, "I can't wait!"

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**End Notes: Well, I hope you liked the second chapter. This is my 1st story and all the 6th of you who review are the coolest ever, you all rock! Anyways...please review. Thanks for R&R.**

**Onono: **Thanks for being my 1st reviewer. Yes, I know what it all stood for but thank you anyways :). I wasn't really wanting to lean for R (M) but Iknew my story would have some swearing such as here in the second chapter.And there will probably be some sexual content later and but nothing bad so just for the good of fanfic I'm going to keep and have my story rated T.  
**Bhekie: **lol. I got the bird poop thing from a funny quote I heard once and because one time I have a friend that acts a lot like Ron and a bird pooped on his shoulder it was hilarious. And thank you! Here's the quote, "Birdie, Birdie in the sky. Why'd you do that to my eye? Looks like sugar. Tastes like sap. Omigosh! It's birdie crap!" lol. I thought it was funny and cute.  
**SKT:** Yes I hate when people don't mention it and make you completley confused or spend 5 essay pages explaining it. I just wanted to make plain and simple.Thanks for the review!  
**ashley: **Aww. Thanks so much!  
**potcandhpfan: **HEY IT'S MY BESTEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD. Well, one of my bestest friends! Haha. I spelled the name right and I double checked ;) no worries sweetie. And I was gonna do a Draco and Hermione but probably not till I'm done with this story. Because I like this one better. Well, I would call you and read the 2nd chapter to you but it's really late so I won't bug you! Well, have a great day budd! muwah love ya.  
**tornbetween:** Thanks :). Yeah I think this story will be pretty long and cool and funnier and better..haha. Anyways Thanks again!

**ATTENTION**

**I will be gone all day tomorrow until Monday and then I will be back. I will try to write the 3rd chapter while I'm gone at the lake but I doubtI'll be able to because I'll be with all my friends and we're always doing something so sorry if I don't update until about next Wednesday through next Friday. Keep reviewing and thanks! (Tee-Hee... I'm silly I've said thanks about 9 times, haha. anyways...)**


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